Nov. 17th, 2014

Adam: "I'm glad you don't use lj anymore"
Me: "Why? I miss it."
Adam: "Because you only used it to vent, and now you vent at me instead, so if you're not using it it means you're not venting *about* me, either"

Fair point. My life is going swimmingly, hope yours is too. I check lj every single day, sorry I'm terrible at commenting.

good things

I got a job finally! I was getting increasingly desperate as Adam finishes work on the 28th of February, so I applied for call centre work at like, midnight on Sunday and had 4 calls on the Monday, lol. I kept coming second with the Admin jobs I was after too, it was very frustrating.
Anyway, I have a call centre job with the Department of Immigration, connecting non-English speakers with the government's free translation service. I also got a job with a bank (after the most arduous selection process I've ever had to go through, 4 hours of group interview can go fuck off and die) which I thought would be really good for future prospects, but when the lady came to give me a spiel about how great the job was, it put me right off haha. Plus there were sales targets I needed to reach and no thanks.

The job pays almost 8k more than Adam's job did, but we come out $65 a week less than we have now, because of the cost of transporting me to the city every day for work, as well as our government benefits dropping because I'm earning more, the fact that I cross the threshold for pay and have to start paying my student loans back, and the fact we're putting Toby in care for a day too. However, the job has copious opportunities for overtime as the call centre is on 24/7, so I think I might pick up an extra shift every month and that should take care of it. Adam might also work casually once a fortnight, so financially we're all okay!

I know this is quite crude but I am quite boggled that someone is paying me 54k a year to answer phone calls.

The big downside to the job is that it's only a 12 month contract. A lot of government jobs are, for a myriad of reasons, and usually you'd be able to find another internal job while you're there, but our government has put a freeze on recruiting permanent positions, so it's unlikely. I'll still be looking for a job during this year I think. No big deal, I think 12 months is my limit for call centre work anyway. I think having known name on my resume is going to help.

It's a one hour train commute, but it's okay because it means we don't have to buy another car. I will also get a lot of reading done.

In the next few months I'm going to enroll in an online Diploma of Business Administration and see if that can't help me get an admin job.

I'm hoping that, even though I'm working 9-5, that the job is flexible with me swapping shifts with other people, like I can see myself taking someone's 1-9pm Friday shift occasionally so they can go out at night, and that allows me to see the kids in the morning at whatever activity they're doing.

It's been *such* a stressful time for us, Adam said that since we got through it without fighting even once, we must be able to get through anything! I mean, during the week all the news reports were saying unemployment was at a 10 year high and I just wanted to drown myself. He's been wonderful. We can spend this weekend preparing for his uni studies now, picking subjects and then I've got a week to organise the house ready for handover.

I've been demoralised so often in this process, but I've learnt so much about it, I got exponentially better with interviews as the time went by, I have perfected my resume and I've learnt about me. But while I was dejected, Adam told me that I was so amazing that I could even be the CEO of a multinational company if I wanted, I only lacked the desire. That I had the potential, not that I had to live up to it, I could be someone's Admin assistant for life for all he cared, but that I was capable of so much. And it bowled me right over. I mean, I know Adam loves me, but I often saw it as him loving me because we get along, because he finds me attractive, and I'm a nice person. I never thought he actually admired me in any way? And this idea that I *don't* have to have some high flying job just because I can, is really relieving. The difference between Adam and my parents, I feel.

We haven't told my parents of our plans, btw. They're not going to take it well. What's new.

I'm also relieved because this rate of pay is similar to what I would have earned as a first year teaching graduate (it's less, but not heaps less), so I don't feel so guilty for not finishing my teaching degree now. I feel bad for lying to Adam and what not, but I don't have to feel bad for screwing up my career and the futures of my kids etc etc like my parents were saying.


good things

I've missed a lot of days lately and there really is no point catching up, but we've had a lot of really great days at the beach, had a great Lunar New Year etc. My mother's group has organised a MUMS ONLY trip away at the start of March and I cannot wait. A whole night away! I love my mother's group. I'd never pick them to be my friends if I had gotten to know them in any other way, but they are a really supportive lovely bunch of women.

- It was a nice sunny day today so the boys and I were on Main Street Mornington looking at the shops and playing at the playground. Watching Liam and Toby chase completely unafraid seagulls is a crack up. I'd never noticed before, but a lot of the shops on Main Street have a cute little bowl of water out the front for dogs. Super cute.

- Liam is fighting bedtime and he's on the couch and his head is lolling and I'm trying not to burst into laughter at him, so I've given him 5 more minutes while I type this up.

- Toby is sleeping much better at night!

- I've been extremely stressed about this job situation. That job interview I went for.. I was runner up :( The employer guy spent a lot of time on the phone with me afterwards, giving me tips on job hunting and talking through the new businesses he was going to start, which he wanted me to be a part of, but to be honest, I'm not comfortable with being part of a start up, it just doesn't sound all that stable. I've had no luck with applications since, I'm pretty sure my application is just the same as everyone else's, you know? All this stress is just leading me to have copious amounts of 'distract me' sex, which, thank god I'm married to Adam and I'm not actually obligated to seduce him outside of smiling at him. So.. yay for sex?

- Fic I have enjoyed: Closer than Most by Findulas. (Sterek, Explicit, 46k) It's FWB to lovers (kind of) fic and it's wonderful

good things

- Toby has only woken up ONCE a night these past two nights and not required a feed. So he's not feeding at all during the night. This is amazing.

- We went to the Museum today and the kids had a blast as per usual. It's such a nice museum, really well designed. It was free entry, but the parking cost me $23. Liam and Toby easily spent 2 hours + in the kids section alone. It was packed today, being still school holidays. I gotta say though, some children's behaviour is *appalling*. School aged kids - it's not even the behaviour I'm shocked at, it's the parents either not telling them off after they see the behaviour, or just cursorily saying 'don't do that', and not following through. I had to remove Liam and Toby from a section because this little 4 year old girl would not stop throwing the soft toys *at* my children, even when I asked her to stop, and her mum was just 'don't do that Ava' and kept playing on her phone. Outside, there were some pigeons, and some of the older kids liked chasing them, but one kid wouldn't stop spitting water at them and got it all over the outdoor toys, and another was just throwing toys *at* the pigeons. The good news is that my kids are at that age where they're still perfectly behaved. Maybe I'll change my tune when they're older. They're Adam's kids soon, though, and he's the disciplinarian around here.

- I always come out of the museum with a new love of spiders. I generally hate spiders, but the spiders exhibit always make me appreciate them and the little webs around my house.

- I felt sick after coming home and I went to bed for a half hour and got up to make dinner and Adam had already put dinner on the table. BEST.

- Yesterday I was trying to get Liam out of my hair and told him to go draw something. He never draws or anything, so I was hoping it would be a novelty, and he agreed. I asked him to maybe draw me, and he adamantly yelled 'NO!!!!!' so I told him he could draw whatever he wanted. I later heard an 'OH NO YOUR HAIR IS TOO LONG MUMMYYYYYY' and came out to find that Liam had drawn my entire family. He's never so much as drawn a person in his life, and he's drawn me with long hair, forgetting that it's been cut. I have glasses! We have bodies! And fingers! How amazing is it. He's only ever really scribbled before and there's our entire family, recognisable! (sort of).

- In other Liam is Amazing news, driving to the museum, Liam pointed out the words 'Exit' and 'Melbourne', saying 'that's where we live.' He really just learns words off by heart, that kid.

- Toby is saying words like 'uh oh' and 'hi' now. Also using his fork. Yesterday he figured out how to use it, so he kept spearing food into his mouth in excitement without actually chewing his food. He had 2 raviolis, a piece of sausage and a slice of mushroom in there before I dove in and fished it all out.

- I read In Fashion by Stilinskisparkles today. (Sterek, 10k, mature). It was hot and had heaps of UST and I think maybe UST is my absolute favourite thing to read ever.

good things

- I saw my MIL yesterday and she seemed much much happier. She's agreed to go see a professional, so that's great news.

- The university is giving Adam 8 unit credits for prior study. That's an entire year's worth of uni he won't have to do! He probably won't try to finish in two years, but he'll be able to take less uni and do more work etc for example. But that's amazing, that's the maximum number of credits they were allowed to give.

- I met up with my friend from the UK yesterday and we had a lovely meal and went for icecream. He was so astounded to see the icecream shop had 'rainbow' flavoured ice cream. I was astonished that he'd never seen it before! It's one of our very basic flavours! He bought some and had sprinkles on it and everything :)

- I try not to compare my kids, but it's sometimes a little bit hard because they're exactly two years apart, so I'll look back at say, Christmas photos, and know that Liam was the same age in 2011 that Toby was in 2013 for example. Anyway, Toby is generally a couple of months behind Liam in all ways except ball handling skills. He's never been into building blocks, always enjoying knocking over towers instead, whereas at this age, Liam was building towers 11 blocks high. Anyway, turns out Toby *can* build with blocks. I've never seen him so much put one block on top of another, but yesterday he was building towers 6 or 7 blocks high. I was so excited :)

- Since we're heaping so much praise on Toby for his towers, Liam decided he had to get fancy and is now building all these tricky balanced towers. And I am *so* impressed by these ones! They're so hard to do!

- The Waterfront festival is on this weekend down the road - rides and amusements and live music etc etc all weekend, and there's going to be fireworks at 9:45pm and I loooooove fireworks and I haven't seen fireworks for years since I've had kids so I thought 9:45 is super reasonable but Adam said it's going to be too late, but I'm going to convince him to go. OR I'M GOING TO CRY. LIKE A CHILD.

good things

- the beach was absolutely gorgeous yesterday morning and Liam was absolutely beside himself with joy. He wanted to play in the water, in the sand, in the waves, under the pier, everywhere. The sand wasn't hot yet, but the water wasn't cold and it was so good. Toby loved it too.

- Adam got accepted into university! Spent ages last night agnonising over his Personal Statement so it didn't sound cheesy then just uploaded it, and today boom! Accepted!

- Hi Australian Government, Thank you for Offering Everyone Deferred Loans for University, My Family Appreciates It Lots.

- I chopped off all my hair! My SIL's brother quit his hairdressing job but was still doing it on the side, so I was able to just go to his house, plop the kids down with some toys and get it cut :) Cheap! No babysitters required! My hair was well past my boobs most of the way down my back, can you believe!! Oh it feels amazing now.

- I watched Frozen! I loved it! I cried buckets! I found I didn't care too much about all the problematic stuff that was discussed before the movie was released. The songs were perfect, the voice acting was perfect, I have a crush on Jonathan Groff's voice, who knew (I did). I'm really loving this trend of having the voice actors do the songs too.

- Liam managed to do a 50 piece puzzle by himself while I was in Toby's room putting him down for a nap. I'm learning my lesson, than sometimes Liam doesn't need to be helped, that I should step back and let him figure things out on his own.

good things

- I haven't had time to update in a few days, but the days were filled with good things :)

- It's supposed to get to 40 degrees C 4 days this week, and today is supposed to be 35, but it's still only a lovely 25 degrees today so that's good. (I can't believe they're going to make people play Australian Open tennis in this weather) We've got a giant inflatable pool out the back which I fill in the morning and by the time Adam comes home from work, it's deliciously warm, and we all sit in it and it's just so relaxing. They're building a huge indoor pool complex in my town (finally) and Liam asked me 'what they building, Mummy?' so when I told him it was a pool he just said 'Oh, we already have one of them at home.' lol.

- We live close to the beach and I drove past it this morning and it looked gorgeous, so I might take the boys down for a walk this week, in the morning, before it gets really stinking hot.

- I'm trying to make the most of my time with the boys before I go to work! The idea of me working full time and not seeing them much is kind of breaking my heart at the moment, but I *did* get three and a bit years with Liam, which is more than what some people get.


- We went to a barbeque on Friday night at my brother in law (Bill)'s house. Bill's my silly BIL who makes poor life choices etc. We don't see him much anymore because he gets sad that everyone has a family but him, but every so often he'll have everyone over. His house is immaculate. For a guy who is drunk all the time and loves wild parties, his house is amazingly kept. He cut off the front of an old car to build an amazing looking barbeque. Like, he's just really good at doing things that aren't to my taste hahaha

- All the kids had a lovely time on his lawn and I'm so glad I had my kids at the same time as Adam's siblings. I know I wanted to wait a year or two later, but it's worked out so well. They're at the age now where they can play actual games with rules and communicate properly with one another and it is so so cute.

- Sally came to visit me on Saturday, and I visited mum on Sunday and she was really nice to me.

- I've finished Adam's university application, just need Adam to edit it and submit! Hurrah.

- I worked out we can survive short term on unemployment benefits, so if I don't get a job ASAP, it's not the end of the world.

- jimmyjack offered me some very casual admin work for his law firm, so now my resume doesn't look so bare! He's so nice to me I don't even know, you guys. I'm still struggling with putting it together, but I am so determined to get it done tonight. I CANNOT WATCH SHERLOCK UNTIL I HAVE DONE MY RESUME.

- Everyone has been raving about a Louis Tomlinson/Nick Grimshaw fic sunsetmog wrote, it's 122k! I haven't had a chance to look at it, and I'm fairly ambivalent about Nick Grimshawk, but Louis is secretly my favourite, so I'm really looking forward to it. Which I will do, once I get all my other stuff sorted.

- I'm kind of relieved that my initial reaction to anyone having a baby/becoming pregnant on my FB is 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M SO GLAD THAT'S OVER'. Liam told me we can't have any more babies because we already have Toby.

- I bought hot cross buns today. I don't care if people hate the fact that it's still a million months til Easter, I would eat them year round if I could. They had chocolate chip ones at the supermarket too. Yum. My family went out for dumplings last night for dinner and it only cost $23 for all of us. The kids are so well behaved at restaurants now :)


good things

- we visited Adam's grandma today for the first time in about a year :\ (we suck) and she was happy to see us :) We looked at a whole bunch of really old photos and it was really fun.

- It's finally getting hot here, so the kids spent the day in the inflatable pool!

- Last night we went around to my SIL's for fish and chips because the weather was nice and the kids had a ball. Everyone got a bit tipsy and started talking pipe dreams of selling our houses and going together on a big country property which sounds lovely and all but to be honest, I just want to live closer to the city haha

good things

- the university didn't reply to my email inquiry about the Commerce course Adam wanted to do, so I just called them up and they told me that once we get the application in, it'll only take them a few days to process and let us know! Also that it's highly likely that they'll accept him *and* give him credit for prior study! ALL GOOD THINGS

- I really struggled last night with redoing my resume so it looks like someone who wants to find a job in Administration and not Someone Who Doesn't Not Know What She Wants In Life, and to get it all into one page, but I kept at it, and it's almost all done, I just have to change some of the wording tonight, THEN IT WILL BE DONE. I have procrastinated this job for so long.

- Liam has a ride on car that he's had since he was 12 months old that he really loves and I bought Toby the same model when he was 12 months. Toby hasn't been tall enough or advanced enough to use it, just sitting on it while Liam dragged it around, but today he was tall enough, and zooming around with Liam and LIAM WAS ECSTATIC. Toby looked pretty pleased himself too.

- Liam is standing next to me now, reading what he can over my shoulder. 'WHAT ARE YOU TYPING ABOUT ME MUMMY' Oh dear. He's really been coming along with his reading, he's understanding that letters make sounds now and when I say a word he can generally tell me what letter it starts with (unless it's one of those blended sounds)

- I'm a little bit sad about missing out on this next chapter of their lives, but I AM SO READY TO GO BACK TO WORK NOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA. OMG ADULTS.

- I took the double pram out and pushed both boys to the bakery for lunch today because it was a lovely day. It's hilly around here, and omg I thought I was going to die. It was a total of 35kg that was fighting me the whole way, even downhill it kept wanting to roll onto the road, so I was pulling it while I was pushing it and I had to take breaks pushing it up a hill. That's my exercise for today, I think. But it was lovely, the boys sat nicely in their chairs and ate their lunch in the little street cafe setting :) I'll miss being able to do that too.

good things

- Adam and I had a big giant talk last night about Life and Everything, which was good because we tend to not want to burden each other with our own problems but Adam was all 'when did we forget that we were a TEAM?'. I laid all my neuroses on the table and he laid all of his, and it was good. I'm still stressed about finding a job, because I've never had people rely on me before, and I hate my resume so much.. like I'm *ashamed* of it or something, but that brings me back to the root of all my problems and that I'm constantly sort of ashamed of myself so I'm just going to beat it into submission, send it out to a million people and deal with the rejection BECAUSE I AM A GROWN UP

- Adam's quite nervous about doing university, because he doesn't like change, but I think once he's in it, he'll be a brand new person. We've decided he's going to work part time, and look after the kids part time (the boys will go into day care part time) and that will give him brain space to do at least first year university, then the following years the boys will be at school/kinder which gives him even more time. His old factory job is willing to take him back, which he loved. He was never happier than that job, it just paid a miniscule amount of money, so that will be so nice for him. Toby has also grown out of his baby stage, so Adam is SO LOOKING FORWARD to bonding with his two little boys, and he won't be a full time Stay at Home Dad so he won't go mad :D. SO HOPEFULLY HE GETS ACCEPTED

- Part of my brain is still worried about how I'm going to explain it all to my mother, which is ridiculous because IT DOESN'T MATTER, LIKE WTF BRAIN, but I have a psych appointment this week so hopefully I'll be able to beat my brain into submission too.

- I caught Toby hammering with a toy hammer saying 'bang bang' today, and he was flying his X-Wing fighter around saying 'zoom zoom' and he's started to join in our dancing, so I'm glad Toby's finally decided he's not a baby anymore. I feel like he dragged it out a bit.

- People seem to be tentatively happy with the new episode of Teen Wolf, so that's pretty exciting

- I have zero laundry - it's all clean and folded and put away!

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